One Year

I’ve hit a milestone. September 26th was my one year anniversary of having surgery. What a year it’s been! I’ve done all the things! I’ve lost a ton of weight. I’ve changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel like a completely new person which is good and bad. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve changed so much in so many ways. It can be entirely overwhelming at times….completely overwhelming.

Overall, I am so much happier than I have probably ever been with myself. I am still working on my confidence and changing my state of mind to a more positive one (which is a struggle), but at least I’m working on them! I’ve gone my whole life with no confidence and putting myself down, so I realize things are not going to change in this area overnight. I can only keep working on it. I do have way more confidence than I have ever had though, even if it is only a little bit. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I still see that girl with all that weight to lose and in so much pain….it’s hard to shake that – it’s who I was up until a year ago. Other times I can look in that mirror and think to myself, “damn! Look how skinny you are! You’re a rock star!”

I just went on vacation last week for the first time since my parents died. It was my first beach vacation without my parents. I struggled a couple of the days with missing my parents, but then I had a really good morning where I just felt like my parents were with me. I was in the ocean at one point by myself, just floating and swimming, and I got the overwhelming feeling that my dad was with me. I am my father’s daughter for so many reasons, but especially when it comes to the beach/ocean/vacation. It makes me happy knowing I’m so much like him. Anyway, the point to this vacation story is that I lived in a bathing suit all week. I wasn’t self conscious walking my ass out on to the beach in my bathing suit. I even took selfies of myself in my bathing suit. WHO AM I? I am not that girl that can go on a beach in a bathing suit and be comfortable. I am not the girl who takes selfies in my bathing suit. I was the girl who hid from pictures. I was the girl that would make sure I was entirely covered up on the beach. I was the girl who put myself down and made things worse for myself. I AM NO LONGER THAT GIRL. Do you have any idea how freeing that is? I can’t even put it into words. I cried a little bit when I looked at my first bathing suit selfie and they were happy tears. Never in my life did I think I would be at this point. I never thought I could and would love myself. Here I am though. I’m at that point. I love myself, flaws and all.

Here’s my progress picture. The 10/2016 picture was taken a couple weeks after surgery. It was the first day I actually put on real clothes and make up. I felt human that day. The 9/2017 picture is me rocking my bathing suit on vacation. I could cry just looking at this picture!

My entire life I let the scale rule my life. It had the power to completely destroy me, and I let it destroy me every single day. I haven’t weighed myself in months. For the very first time in my life I do not care what the scale says. The scale doesn’t rule my life anymore. The scale has no power over me. I am more than whatever that number on the scale says. I finally realize that and accept it. I embrace it.

 

I’m more than you know

A body and soul

You don’t see me, but you will

I am not invisible

~ U2, Invisible

2017 is my year

 

2017 has been the year of travel and concerts! I am really not surprised that I haven’t touched this blog since March. So, not only did I do an update but I also updated the About page and the Progress page!

Aright, where do I start? May was the start of everything. I traveled across the country to Seattle to see Mumford & Sons open for U2. I could probably write a novel on what a life changing experience that was. I may do that at a later time. Just know that nothing will probably ever beat that concert for me. I think that was the first night I was ever truly happy since losing my parents. After Seattle, I saw Mumford & Sons in Pennsylvania. I only have amazing things to say about Mumford and that concert. Aside from the normal general admission chaos, it all turned out to be okay. What an amazing concert that was! After Mumford was Bonnaroo in June.

I could also absolutely write a novel on Bonnaroo and what an amazing experience it was this time around. I ran around in dresses I never would have worn before, wearing flower crowns and glowies and GLOWIE FLOWER CROWNS (!!!!), I bought 2 dresses at Bonnaroo which never would have fit me before, I got to spend 4 amazing days listening to amazing bands with one of my best friends, I got to see U2 at Bonnaroo and it was hands down one of the best U2 concert experiences I have ever had. So much happened in those 4 days. I am truly a different person. I’ve changed so much. I didn’t hold myself back this time at Bonnaroo. I got to experience the things I wanted to experience and it was one of the most amazing feelings in the world. We also had awesome neighbors this time around. Bonnaroo was the absolute best! I can’t remember the last time I ever felt so free.

I started July out with U2 in Cleveland! It really has been the year for concerts. Everyone in the world is touring right now! It’s ridiculous and awesome all at the same time. My bank account hates me currently because of all these concerts! It’s so worth it though.

The other big thing that happened…I’m officially a home owner! I moved into my condo in May. My aunt and uncle bought my mom’s condo. It was definitely rough have to clean out my mom’s condo and move again. Not to mention I had to go through all the boxes that we never had a chance to go through from our first move, from the house into the condo. I don’t even know what we kept and what we through away. I wanted to save everything because it was my parents. I know it’s stupid, but I just want to hold on to every last piece of them. I’m still working on getting moved into my place. It’s starting to feel like home. However, I have discovered that I do not like living alone. It’s the first time that I’ve truly lived on my own. After my mom died I thought all the loneliness was from being in my mom’s condo without her. I’m sure that was part of it. Now though I have realized I hate living alone. I’m trying to learn how to accept and embrace being alone and I have to say I’m doing a terrible job.

I’ve changed so much these last few years, but especially these last few months. I’ve learned to really start loving myself which is something I have never been able to do before. Some days are still a struggle but I’m much better at it then I was before. I’m also still working on self-care because it’s easier than I thought to revert back to my old ways. I get stressed and emotional and I want to go back to my old ways. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my grief, with stress, with all of my emotions, and with all of these changes in my life. It’s overwhelming. Some days it takes everything I have not to let it consume me. I’m figuring this all out by trial and error; seeing what helps me and what doesn’t. I’m really trying to focus on dealing with everything in a positive way, but it is definitely not easy! I love myself too much though to revert back to the unhealthy ways I was dealing with things before.

My friend offered to do a photo shoot for me. I didn’t know how I felt about it really. She wanted to do it to celebrate my weight loss. I agreed to it, but I was really unsure about it. I don’t know why I was unsure (my self doubt creeps back in every so often) because the pictures turned out amazing! My friend is such a talented photographer, and she’s also an amazing friend. I don’t get to see her too often but when I do, it’s just amazing. I feel like her and I are connected on so many different levels, but the main one is that we have both lost our parents. It’s helpful to be able to talk about that with someone who gets it and understands. Anyway, I can’t wait to see all the pictures she took! Here’s a couple of my favorites of the ones she’s shared with me (also check out the about me page…new picture that she took):

 

Never in a million years would I ever think about doing a photo shoot, nor would I even ever do one. Some of these changes have been overwhelming, but the shoot was just pure fun. It’s so amazing to be at place where I finally love and accept myself. It’s been a long, hard journey to get to this point. My friend started to say something like “did you ever think…” and I cut her off before she finished. I said, whatever you were going to say the answer is no. It’s just no. Most of the things that happen, or that I do now…I never would have dreamed I’d do them or that they would happen. A photo shoot is one of those things.

Alright, now let’s get back to the point of why I started this whole blog, I’m officially down 136lbs! It’s still unreal. It’s so amazing to look in the mirror and not hate yourself, to truly love yourself – flaws and all, to finally accept yourself after 31 years of fighting yourself and hating yourself. My life has completely turned around. I still live at Zumba, I still Irish dance, and with all my traveling I’m just now getting back to working with my personal trainer. I just went running 2 days in a row for the first time in months – it felt so good to get out there and run! Working out is such an essential part of my life now.

I may have had the worst few years of my life, I may still struggle more than I care to admit, but I am still on this journey. I am still fighting. I am not giving up. I have come too far. I’m a rock star. I’m a fighter. I’m a survivor. I’m a warrior.

 

Photo credit of the pictures of me: Tamara London Photography

Challenges

I never realized how many difficult things I would encounter on this journey. You would think that just this journey itself was difficult, but that’s not how it works. Most things along they way are turning out to be a challenge.

First challenge: I do not know how to accept compliments. I’ve always been bad at it, but now that I am constantly getting a million from people who have noticed my weight loss, I’m even worse at accepting them. Being overweight my entire life has made me be the shy person that I still am today. I do not want to be the center of attention. I do not want the focus to be on me. Having people throw a ton of compliments my way is starting to be a challenge. I don’t know how to deal. It’s amazing that people notice and comment. I still can’t believe that. It’s a weird thing and I’m unsure of how to just accept it. I say ‘thank you so much!’ and try to move on, but it’s uncomfortable for me. Yet it makes me feel awesome at the same time. Does that make sense? I’m not even sure.

Second challenge: I look in the mirror and I still see myself with the 110 pounds+ that I lost, still on. I can’t see the difference. In some ways I can, but in other ways….I swear, I still look and feel like I did 110 pounds ago. I was never comfortable in my own skin and I don’t know if that is making me have problems now. I’m still not comfortable in my own skin because I’m still not where I want to be weight wise. But why am I basing this all on my weight? Why do I continue to do this to myself? It is really hard to break the cycle of always having a diet/weight mentality. I’ve had it my whole life. It’s hard to break this cycle.

I am going to re-start the Discovery Dyet and get myself back on track emotionally and mentally. I have had a lot going on these last few weeks and a lot of added stress. It has not been good for my body and soul. I need to re-focus!

There’s probably going to be some more major life changes happening in my life. I’ll write about those as they happen as things are still not secured completely.

I have doctor’s appointments in the next couple of weeks so I will see where I am and how I’m doing post surgery.

I have basically been living at Zumba, cardio drumming, and Irish dance classes. I started working with the best personal trainer ever – shout out to Brooke! You are the best! Check her out: https://www.bkfitnessandtraining.com/

I’m just sore all the time. I love it!

Things are crazy and somewhat stressful, but I am still feeling good about everything. I still feel like I’m kicking ass. I have a lot of challenges I still need to work on and I still have a long way to go. However, I’m still working on it. This is a never ending journey. I am excited to see where this takes me!

More updates later.

My journey

This took me a while to write. I had a lot of help from the amazing Naomi Teeter, who then published it on her site. She’s literally the best.

So, here it is. My journey. My life. My struggles. My pain. It was terrifying to write and put out there for the world to see, but if it can help at least one person then it was worth it.

http://www.theinspiredtransformation.com/unspeakable-agony-losing-everything-matters-losing-110-pounds/

I’m Alive!

Months later, here I am. I think I start off every post with that…I’m still alive!

I have so much to say and yet I don’t know what to really say. I’ve somehow made it through the last several months. I am not going to lie….the holidays sucked. I have no idea how I was able to get through them. Having both my parents gone is not easy to deal with on a normal basis, but with the holidays…it hurts so much more. Luckily I spent the holidays with my family. They are probably the only reason I made it through.

I almost feel like I’m living a double life. I have this side of me that is in constant sadness, pain, and grief. My heart aches every day. I wake up in my mom’s condo alone and reality sets in every morning. It’s horrible, but then I have another side; another life. I am on this amazing weight loss journey. I’m working out at least 5 times a week. I’m taking more risks and challenges than I ever have in my life. I’ve started dating again. I’m headed to Seattle to see Mumford & Sons open for U2 (WHAT?!?!?!?! MY DREAM COME TRUE!!!) And that trip terrifies me because I hate flying so much. I’m headed to Bonnaroo in June where I plan to do everything I wanted to do my first time at Bonnaroo in 2015 but held myself back because I was too scared. I feel more secure in a lot of ways. I feel some confidence starting to take root.

I live at Zumba. Honestly, I couldn’t function without my Zumba classes. It honestly has everything to do with where I work out and the fact that I have the best Zumba instructor ever. If you are in the Cleveland area, I highly recommend checking out Fierce Fitness CLE (there’s a link on my page under Resources). It’s the most supportive place I have ever worked out in my entire life. I couldn’t have made it through the last several months if it wasn’t for that place and everyone who works out there. It’s become my home away from home.

I’m in such a weird place in my life. On one hand, things really suck. On the other hand, things are really great. It’s interesting. I’m just taking everything one day at a time because that’s all I really can do.

In regards to my weight loss journey, as of a week or so ago, from my highest weight ever I am down 110lbs!!! What?!? Is this real life?? Is this my life??? It’s insane!!! I have a lot I want to say on this. However, I wrote a piece on my journey/story and I believe it’s going to be posted somewhere else. I will link that to here once it’s up. This is really just exciting for me. I never dreamed this was possible. Here I am though…kicking ass and taking names!

My plan is to update my blog at least one a month, if not more. Writing helps me and I never understand why I don’t do it more. I need to make the time. I’m going to probably be changing the look/lay out of my blog too. It needs to be updated!

Stay tuned. There’s so much happening and I can’t wait to share my journey with all of you!

 

Major update

I have not updated since April. So much has happened that I honestly haven’t had the time to sit down and properly write on here. So, here I am. I’m going to attempt to keep up with this blog as much as I can.

The last few months have been strange, emotional, hard, and life changing. The first thing I need to talk about is my mom. My mom passed away on August 31,2016. Typing that sentence was difficult. I still don’t understand how she isn’t here. She was not doing well in her fight against cancer. She had one complication after another come up. She was admitted to the hospital and seemed to be doing okay for a couple days, and then everything went down hill. She was transferred to a hospice facility one evening, and then she passed away the following evening. I cannot put into words all my emotions. I am so glad she is not in pain anymore. She’s not suffering. She is free of her cancer and complications. Most importantly, she’s with my dad. I couldn’t be more thrilled that they are together again. It just sucks for the rest of us. I’m taking it day by day, but honestly it’s not easy. I lost both my parents in the last year and half or so. I don’t know how this is my life.

I’m still grieving my dad and now I have to grieve my mom. It’s a never ending process. It’s something I will live and deal with for the rest of my life. It does not get any easier with time. Time makes it more difficult. I am dreading the upcoming holiday season without my parents. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. Hell, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of my life without them.

Once again I will be having major life changes happening. I need to clean out the condo, sell it, and find a new place to live. I am non-stop worrying about money, where I’m going to live, how this is all going to work, and how I’m going to get through everything. The stress is ridiculous.

I just want to take a minute and do a special shout out to my family and friends. I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without all of you. I love you all more than you will ever know. I am a lucky girl to have such amazing people in my life. It’s because of all of you that I am somehow making it through life right now.

It’s been chaotic these last few months. I’m going to do another update to talk about another major change and decision that happened in September. However, that is going to be a longer post that I need to do at a later time.

For now, I just wanted to do a quick update. I’m still alive. I’m still here. I’m trying to survive.

More later.

Why do I keep falling?

I have been terrible with keeping this blog up. My first post in a while isn’t even going to be about anything I’ve been working on. It’s going to be about Mumford & Sons. Go figure, right?

I had the best time 2 weekends ago. I went to Nashville with one of my best friends. We drove half way on Thursday night and made the rest of the trip on Friday. Friday night was the Mumford & Sons concert in Nashville. I was bummed because I had seats for the show. I tried for general admission and they sold out instantly. I had a different experience being in seats.

First of all, that was the first time I was seeing Mumford & Sons indoors. I have seen them at an outdoor venue or a festival every other time I have seen them. I really wasn’t sure what to expect in regards to them playing an arena.
I was not disappointed. They were phenomenal! I danced and sang my heart out which probably annoyed everyone around me. They were all sitting until they played The Cave and Little Lion Man which was ridiculous, however I didn’t let it bother me. I did my own thing. I had an amazing time. They changed my life, as they always do, every time I see them. Broken Crown was a highlight for me. They also brought out a whole bunch of awesome artists (John Oates, T Bone Burnett, Big Mike from Apache Relay) and played some amazing covers! It was one of the absolute best concerts I have ever been to. I cried at one point from being so happy. I didn’t want it to end.

Unfortunately, it ended. However, I spent the weekend in Nashville! Saturday was spent at the Jack Daniel’s Distillery! We did a tasting tour and it was awesome. I recommend taking that tour if you ever have the chance. The town square is cool and they have all sorts of fun Jack Daniels things to buy. We headed back to Nashville after the distillery and had dinner at a fun Irish pub right by our hotel. We drank (Jack Daniel’s of course), ate, and laughed so much! Saturday was such a great day.
Sunday we went to Belle Meade Plantation and spent the entire day there. We love anything historical. We toured the grounds, we took a tour of the house, and we sampled wine at the winery. We had an amazing brunch at the restaurant there and then shopped in the gift shop. We bought Blackberry Wine that the winery makes and lots of other fun things. After spending the entire day there we headed back to the hotel where we decided to just relax for the night. We put on pj’s and drank Blackberry wine, ordered pizza, and had a blast! We talked all night. We laughed. We cried. We just hung out and it was amazing. Monday we drove home but it was fun because we played games in the car. We did a lot of laughing all weekend and it was perfect!

So, that was a perfect weekend. I didn’t think it could be topped, but it was in a very different way.

This past weekend was life changing on so many levels. I went to Indianapolis on Saturday for the Mumford & Sons concert on Sunday. My friend and I had a late dinner with cheap drinks in a very weird bar not far from our hotel. It was a nice night to walk and I had fun talking and drinking with my friend I very rarely see. The next day we headed to the arena at 8:30am because we had general admission tickets. We were 4th and 5th in line for the concert. The three people in front of us were (are) AMAZING! We had so much fun sitting with them, talking, listening to music, and just hanging out. This is what GA is all about. You get to meet new friends who love the band just as much as you do. It’s the best. We had a pretty amazing day in line up until it turned ugly.

It was around 3pm that a guy and two sisters show up. They didn’t like our line. They got in front of us. They argued with us. They said they understood what we were saying because they stood in line for shows before. However, they wouldn’t move from the door. Our new friends were in line since 6:45am and these people show up at 3pm and are trying to be first. No, that’s not how that works. We had talked to security several times that day and they knew what we were doing. We were keeping order and trying not to make it chaotic. These people arrived and ruined all of it. We talked to security when they wouldn’t move. They didn’t do anything. The people leave to go to the bathroom and some of us re-claim our spots. They come back and start a fight saying they just went to the bathroom – which if they would have just gotten in line like everyone else they could have went to the bathroom and not lost their spot – and so the one sister pushed herself against one of our friends we made and refused to move. Security came out and witnessed the arguing and drama and did nothing to help anyone.

Here’s where it gets crazy. They had all the doors to the arena open. They had 3 security gates open. Instead of honoring our line and system they chose chaos. We spread ourselves across all of the doors in hopes that some of us would get in first and save places for the others once we got in. They motioned for us to come in at 4:30pm and it was chaos! We ran in, all of us, through every single door to the middle where the 3 security lines were open. We’re waiting to get through security when one of the other fans in line says “Hey! I just want everyone to be aware that the one girl slammed this girl’s head into the door.” We look and it was one of our friends we had made. It was the one friend who took one of the sisters spots when they left to use the bathroom. This girl was holding her forehead and was clearly shaken. She says, “she slammed the door into my head.” What?!? We have no time to process. The security line is moving. I somehow made it through pretty fast. My friend kept setting off the alarm. I found our friends spread across four of the 8 lines that were made in the lobby of the arena. So, we were near the front of one of the lines. The girl who got her head slammed in the door talked with security. She got a bandage on her head and was most likely going to need stitches but stayed for the show. The sister who did this to her got kicked out. She was escorted out of the arena. The entire lobby clapped as we watched her walk out the door. I’m not sure what happened to the other sister and the guy that was with them. It didn’t matter. Karma took care of that girl.

We waited there for an hour and a half. We made friends with our ticket scanner for our line. Shout out to Steve for being amazing! He scanned the first 10 people in line before 6pm. He had the rope down before 6 too. He’s the best.

6pm comes and all hell breaks loose. They give us the signal and all 8 lines just start running. We run up the stairs, security is yelling at us to stop running but we just keep going. We have to run past the first 2 entrances to the third entrance to get access on to the floor. Security tries to block us to tell us to stop running and be careful. We ignore them. We push through them and run down there stairs where it is utter chaos. The poor security guy is trying to hand out wristbands while the other security guard is checking our tickets. My friends make it on the floor. By the time I grab my wristband, the security guard drops most of the wristbands on the floor. I start to run when the other security guard who already had marked my ticket stops me and says he needs to check my ticket. He just makes a mark over his other mark. I run to my friends who saved me a spot on the rail. There weren’t enough spots but my awesome friend said I could have the rail spot because I have never been close to Mumford & Sons for a show ever. She’s amazing! Seriously. I appreciate her and what she did for me so much!

It was such a relief that after all the drama and chaos that we all made it on the rail. Karma helped us. We all made it to where we were meant to be.
We waited for the opening band to come on. Blake Mills came out and rocked it! I was in shock because I have not done GA for a show in a few years. I forgot the experience and how close you are to the stage and the band. Marcus came out on stage and played with Blake Mills for one song and I about died. Seeing him so close was so amazing! I was pumped for Mumford & Sons to come out!

The time went by so slowly between Blake Mills ending and Mumford & Sons coming out. I thought the moment would never come, but it did. Mumford & Sons walked out on stage and I felt the tears start to form. Marcus Mumford stood right in front of and I was the happiest I had ever been in I don’t even know how long. I completely lost myself in this concert. They completely blew me away and changed my life significantly in such a new way. I danced my ass off. I sang my heart out. I cried through so many songs. They played Reminder and I literally cried through the whole song. I made eye contact with Marcus all night! When he ran through the crowd during Ditmas, I was only a few people away from him. I was bummed I didn’t get to be closer to him but it was still amazing to see him in the crowd and so close to me.

I put my heart and soul into this concert. My voice was gone half way through the show. It was such an emotional show for me. I forgot how personal it is when you do GA. I felt like I was the only person in the arena and that they were there just for me. Everyone else melted away. All my problems melted away. It was an emotional release. It was therapy for me.

Mumford & Sons have gotten me through the last year and a half. I have relied on them to get me through since my dad died. They have been there for me when no one else was. They mean everything to me. Having this experience was amazing. It was beyond amazing. I cannot put into words every single emotion to describe my experience. It meant everything to me. To be in the front for a band who has made this last year and a half bearable means absolutely everything.

The night ended with me walking out of that arena with a set list in my hand.

It was one of the absolute best days of my life. I will never ever forget that experience.

Thank you Mumford & Sons for getting me through this last year and a half. Thank you for being the constant in my life. Thank you for being my therapists. Thank you for making such incredible music. Without your music, I would be lost. Thank you for playing such incredible shows. Thank you for changing my life.

I appropriately titled this post “Why do I keep falling?” It’s Mumford & Sons lyrics but also applies to how I feel about this band. Why do I keep falling for this band? Because they keep putting out incredible music that speaks to my heart and soul. They change my life constantly in so many ways.

Why do I keep falling?

 

“A lot of the time it feels like music is some sort of excuse to be a human.

It’s kind of like people need that excuse to go and

put their arms in the air and sing their hearts out.”

~ Marcus Mumford

Last resorts

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since November. I feel like I always say this every time I post. December and January are just very hard months for me to get through now. And so much has happened since I last posted. I had an IUD put in to hopefully help with all my period issues. I moved. I celebrated my dad. My 30th birthday happened and it was incredibly disappointing because I did nothing fun to celebrate it. I had all these visions of fun things to do for my 30th birthday and then nothing happened. I went out for a couple drinks the day of my birthday with a couple friends. That was the extent of it. I feel like my birthday is just an after thought since my dad died the day before my birthday. Anyway, Christmas happened. I spent New Year’s eve with one of my very best friends and it was very low key. My dad’s birthday happened. Things are happening with my mom. It’s just been a lot.

I’ve been struggling so much with my weight and life style changes. There is something wrong with my foot still and I need to see an orthopedic doctor. I haven’t been running because of my foot. My work outs have been a mix of Zumba, Irish dance, and 30 day shred. I feel like I’m eating better but I am not seeing any weight coming off. I am frustrated. I am feeling like I’m coming down to my last resort which I am starting to look into.

I just cannot continue the rest of my life like this. I think genetics play a huge role. I’ve never been thin. I don’t need to be thin now but I need to be at a much healthier weight. I need to be healthy. There is so much I want to do and my weight limits me. Or rather I let my weight limit me. I know I let my weight hold me back. It’s held me back my entire life.

I am done. I’m just done. I am so tired of feeling so horrible about myself. I am tired of not really living my life.

I’m going to really work on updating my blog more. Especially since I feel like a lot of changes will be happening in the next few months. This blog is going to be essential for me to vent, discuss, and put everything out here. No more hiding.

I’m about to start living my life and it’s going to be amazing.

Firsts

I’ve been having foot problems for a while now. I was in pain. I finally went to the doctor after several of my friends told me I had to go. Thank you for making me go! It turns out I have Achilles tendinitis. I’m on day three of the anti-inflammatory medicine my doctor gave me. Today was the first day I woke up and my foot didn’t hurt! It was a good feeling.

I got my ass up this morning and went to Zumba. There is something about Saturday morning Zumba that I love. It just makes me feel better. I feel unstoppable after. I’m in such a great mood! I wish there was Zumba class every morning before work. I could conquer the world if there was! I feel like a rock star today!

I’m on day 41 of logging my food consistently on Myfitnesspal! I have to say that logging my food has helped me significantly lately. It’s eye opening. I also really love logging my work outs on there. It just makes me feel good! I definitely recommend writing everything you eat down – whether it’s an app, a journal, whatever….just write it down! It will change your life.

I’m down a whole lot of pounds and inches. I will have an exact number on Monday. I had my weight and measurements taken last Monday and I forgot to write it down. Instead of being a crazy numbers girl like I have in the past I am just going to wait until this Monday instead of weighing myself again. I feel like if I weigh myself more than once during the week it will set off my craziness and I will start weighing myself too much. I will post about my progress after next Monday!

I’ve got two significant firsts coming up. This year will be the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I cannot believe he was here a year ago and now he’s not. Thanksgiving is going to be rough. I have to not give into my emotions…no emotional eating and no drinking to excess to avoid the pain. The Saturday after Thanksgiving – and actually just that whole weekend after Thanksgiving- will be rough. Last year we had such an amazing Saturday after Thanksgiving. I will somehow make it through but I know it will be rough.

And then the major issue will be the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. God, please get me through this like you somehow got me through these past 11 months. I feel like I am not strong enough. I made it this far though….maybe I’m stronger than I think.

I found a new therapist. I only went to see her once but I love her. I’m so happy to finally find someone I can talk to. I am not ashamed to admit this either. I need help.

I am proud of myself for being proactive about my health; both physically and mentally. It’s time to work through my grief.

I am proud of all the changes I’ve made and continue to make. I’m hoping my dad is proud of me because that’s all I want.

I love you, dad.

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November

I have no idea how it’s November. I don’t know where October went. This year has gone by fast yet painstakingly slow, if that makes any sense. Maybe it’s because I felt I would never make it this far. Regardless of that…it’s November! And surprisingly (not!) I’ve been a slacker. I swear the time just gets away from me.

Here’s what’s going on. I have PCOS. I need to lose weight. My blood pressure is slightly high. I am unhappy with all of this. The solution for right now is an IUD (for a lot of reasons). It’s not what I want but I need things to start happening. This is going to help with making things happen.

I’ve had a lot of emotional break downs lately and in those breakdowns, I went to food looking for comfort. Of course I didn’t find any. This is my biggest issue. It’s the root of all my problems, I swear! I need to be more conscious. I need to be aware of what’s going on before I make bad decisions; before my emotions completely take over. I struggle to be more conscious. I’m trying my hardest. I NEED to overcome this issue in order to grow and change. I never find comfort in food so I need to stop.

My work outs have been Zumba and Irish dance lately. I did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred yesterday for the first time in a while. It was rough, but I enjoyed it.

Here’s my rant on 21 Day Fix. I LOVE 21 Day Fix. I honestly do. However, with the PCOS I have going on right now following all the containers that I’m supposed to is too difficult. I started gaining weight instead of losing it while I was doing 21 Day Fix. I am going to come back to 21 Day Fix – at least the work outs – sometime soon.

I have been on an amazing journey these last 4 weeks doing Naomi Teeter’s program (that’s the program I won the scholarship to). I have learned so much about myself! I’ve done a lot of reflecting because of the program. I really learned some valuable information from Naomi. I’m still working on the last modules of the program, but I really recommend her program. I am so happy that I was chosen for the scholarship. Naomi’s program has already been insanely beneficial. I plan on using all the information from Naomi and implementing it all into my life. I still have some exploring to do. I’m still a work in progress, but Naomi has given me some direction.

I’ve been researching PCOS and looking up some good recipes I can make. I want to heal my body the right way – good food full of nutrients. I want to get my blood pressure back to normal. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy.

I’ve done most of the work (once I finish all the modules) to set things in motion. It’s been hard. It’s required a lot of digging and dealing with a lot of my own issues. I am going to come out on the other side of this. I know I am.

I have never wanted anything more in my life and I have never been more prepared than I am right now. I can type this in my blog all I want (and I have) because all of these times I’ve truly believed I was ready. I wasn’t as ready as I had thought. I needed the last four weeks to go through Naomi’s program to really see how unready I really was before.

You can’t grow and change without putting in the work. Nothing is handed to you. If you want to change you have to do the work.

I’m doing the work. Change will follow and I have never been more excited!

More later and soon!